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Saturday, December 22, 2007♥
it takes two to believe ♥ 8:25 AM
OK. The more I hear what people say, the more I change my mind. I've stopped crying, started eating and was sleeping all the way last night after I came home. I folded the clothes he gave me... wrapped the mp3... took out the photos from the photo album... and placed it in a box... I can't bear to see the both of us kissing, hugging, being happy... when I'm so torn apart. I didn't know what to do with sentosa tixs I booked. It was a special package Firdaus who was working there helped me get. I thought I'd do it as a surprise for him since he's been wanting to go sentosa for the longest time. And to make it up to him for waiting... I researched, I got us a chalet for 2 nites, and all the rides and stuff... costed a whooping $300 ++. But he's spent wayyy more on me, so i didn't mind. But my surprises that I planned for him all never turned out... my mee soto.... my brownies that he kept asking for... the massage... the picnic.... no, he never knew, coz he never got the time to meet me for me to surprise him. It's too late now. Neway i asked him whether he wanted the 2 tixs, i could get firdaus to mail it to him... but all he said was that he'll pay for it... SO NEWAY!! anyone want free sentosa tixs.... 1 day 2 nites... beautiful chalet... bbq pit and all... REALLY, I'm giving you $300++ tixs for free! So first come first serve!!!
I got thru yesterday with the help of my closest buddies. They helped a lot. Thank you so much guys.
Although I didn't agree with some of the things they said, there were some things that they said helped me alot. I was angry, hurt and upset. But the more I thought about it, the more I get the feeling something's wrong somewhere. The pieces just don't seem to go together. He never seemed to be the type to give up easily... I could be wrong.
ThaZie: He must be cheating on you. MESTI nye.
Me: Cannot be la, I trust him. I don't think he would do that.
Thazie: If he not cheating on you he wouldn't just run away like that la...
Me: Maybe, but he just wouldn't lah. but if really it was another girl, he should have told me, it would have been less heartbreaking.
Thazie: LESS HEARTBREAKIING?? GILER KE PE KAU!
Me: Yeah... at least... I know he's not having any problems and its just that he fell in love with another girl.
Thazie: Uhhh.. ok la... tapi aku boleh bet ngan kau... beberape mgu lagik... Frenster dier mesti ader pompuan baru.
Me: Ok, Im not ready to believe that, but kalo that is the truth, then he's a coward for not admitting.
Thazie: Trust me, I'm a guy la... he's a pem-bastard. takya pikir2, maybe2 lagik.
Ain: BREAKUP RITUAL!!!
ME: BREAKUP RITUAL??
Ain: U KNOW!!! where u eat lots of ice cream, shop alot, pick up cute guys, scream as loud as u can, bitch about him all day long, and draw on on his pictures.
ME: I don't wanna get fat. Shopping? no mood la... guys... ARGH. pictures aku got alot... but I WILL NOT DRAW ON IT. And I simply will not bitch about him. He was a great boyfriend, just that he didn't like to talk about his problems.
Ain: But breakup rituals are fun la...
ME: uhhh, i'll think about it k ain? Really...
Ain: Neway he was really childish, la...
ME: Why?
Ain: Silent breakup? That's like what? Secondary school nye zaman?
ME: well... he has his reasons.
Ain: WHAT? Organise his life?? If he really loved u, he would have tried to organise his life with u IN it. And he would have comed up witha beta excuse.
ME: uhhh...
Ain: iLa, stop making excuses for him. He don't deserve it.
Shah: AKU CARI KAN DIER UNTUK KAU! AND AKU PUKUL DIER. BUDAK TAMP KAN. LAGI SENANG NAK CARIK.
Me: WTH la shah. Takmo merepek bole tak..
Shah: Serious lah. I'll do it. Nobody hurts our ila.
Me: Ya allah. Relaks la... aku da takde pape. Kau pulak yg excited semcm seh.
Shah: Haha. kidding... testing je kau sanggup ke tak... btw kan, kalo dier mintak patch alek, u will take him back.
Me: U know I don't take my ex back. But... maybe I will lah, if the reasons are right. I will. But u noe what? I doubt he will. If he cares or if he solves his probs, or organise his life, then yes, maybe, if he really loved me... but if he didnt care ****, then he just won't. He just won't. I still care for him. If he were to call me out of the blue for help, I will drop everything and still go. But he won't. Virgo men are too ego for that. They won't let u see what they feel. Mwybe that's how we ended up like this.
Syirah was also quite right about something... He wouldn't just do it, like that, if something wasn't wrong. Maybe yes, like thazie said to me, I'm "over-analysing" and "defending him cause I'm in denial.". But that's not it lah.. I defend him, not coz i'm deluded, it bcoz I know there's something wrong and he's not totally to be blamed k... I am not in denial. I know the relationship is over but in heart, there is some kind of hopeless hope that he might say "Hey, u know what, sayang, that was crazy. I forgive u. Let's start over." AND I want that to happen and the possibilities... are zero. If he care at all, there's a chance... but.. yeah...
I mean I'm amazed he "sanggup" let go of the relationship just like that and go to sleep with such ease. I think that was cruel of him. At the same time, people don't just walk in and out of other people's life just like that. It's not right and it's not fair. There must be something else. Another girl or some other problem he won't tell me about?
And I hate it that I can't help him with his problems. I said to him that I'd support him no matter what. He wanted dreadlocks, I gritted my teeth and let him grow his hair for his dreadlock. He likes rasta stuff, I try my best to not diss it and even began to love it also. I mean I just couldn't let him sleep all day right, with him smoking and drinking and other stuff... How could I let him sleep and destroy his health? I didnt want him to work to much cause his colleagues were taking advantage of his niceness. Maybe I nagged too much. But I only wanted the best for him. Was that wrong? I didn't lie to him, I didn't cheat on him, I wasn't possessive, I didn't try to change him.
I'm sorry, teddy. We had a lot of plans for the future... Diplomas, paintball, New year, and many other things. I don't really understand and know where I or WE went wrong. And this time, sincerely from the bottom of my heart, I really wish you all the best. I'm getting over you, even though it's only been 24 hours. I mean, if you don't give an eff about me, I shouldn't hang on to you. You know, the last few weeks we were together, you didn't seem like you at all. I tried to help, if u saw... but u didn't seem to wana listen anyway. I wish we had a better ending, I've never been NOT friends with my EXs before. Seems wrong. But hey, this is how he wants it to be.
But with a glimmer of hope, if you still love me or care... then show it. I will still let you back into my arms. Cause I refuse to believe the bad things people say about you, cause I still have every faith in you. Call me stupid or foolish. I just don't think those 4 months were for fun. We weren't those couples who fought all the time...
And I know, u guys are like saying that I'm deluded and that he doesn't love me, why should I even consider taking him back? Well, that's a part of iLa u'll never understand. I love him and I forgive him. I hope that he can also find a space in his heart to forgive me. I love him still. I told him that i'll trust him till the day I see with my own eyes that he has betrayed me and I mean it. So far, I haven't seen anything. I msged him morning, daring him to say that he doesn't care straight to my face. He just didn't reply. So for me... I haven't seen anything for me not to trust. If he loves another, I wish him all the best to start over with someone new. Hussari, you have all of my blessings. He's a great guy, girls... just get him to open up to you and u'll succeed and don't nag like i did...
But I'm not the type to dwell on broken pieces. I'll live my life as per normal. I'll get my diploma, and do all the crazy things I want to do. And boyfriends!!!... haha... that my dear beloved friends have been egging me to get... it's only been one day! And well, I'm still hurt... maybe one of this days... the old serial-dater ila is not ready just yet to come out n play again. Haha. I still want him if I could but that's just a dream i noe.
I had fun k, guys... thks for meeting me yesterday night. I loved it. I loved the fact we run n run chasing each other but didn't fall. I loved the hugging. I loved every part of it. Thank you so much, everybody! And yes, I'm ok. This ila is much stronger than you think. She'll fall down, wipe her tears, bandage the bruise and walk away. I'll stand proud and tall.
your crazy touch, the strangest rush
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